Decluttering

Update: this post was written a week ago. I just got to posting it today. Vacation is over and I am back at work. By the end of my vacation week, I threw out 16 garbage bags and 7 boxes of files.

I am on “vacation” this week from work. there are quotes around “vacation” because I don’t believe that’s what’s going on. I am away from the hospital but not in a relaxing setting, like the mountains or the beach. Instead, i am at home. However, i made that decision and it was the right one.  If I had gone to the beach, rest would have been interrupted by a hurricane. if i had gone to the mountains, money would have stopped the enjoyment. So what did i do? I decluttered. 

Well, I am not done. As I am writing this, i am sitting in a laundry mat washing two big quilts.  I  am on day 6 of a 12 day break. I have succeeded in three days of decluttering my home, with just a few more things to do.  Even though my entire body hurts, it has been incredibly therapeutic.  I believe i have decluttered more than just my home. i just might be decluttering what’s going on inside my soul. Oh, i pray that’s what i am doing.

If you don’t work in a hospital, you can only imagine what the last 6 months have been like; taking care of Covid+ patients and families not being able to be at bedside. Oh, and don’t forget all the other patients in hospital, too. Cancer, traumas, transplants, labor and delivery, cardiac arrests, CHF, pneumonia, pediatrics, and the list goes on. Working with few breaks, clinical hospital staff are giving everything they’ve got; all the while trying to protect one another from the virus and sacrificing time with families, in order to protect them, too. 

Add to this, the fact that we are isolated from society with social distancing, newly fashioned face masks and not being able to travel anywhere without being questioned.  For an introvert like me, this is a dream come true but i am actually hurting from the social distancing. No contact with life outside of this work can get to an introvert, even the most extreme.  

A lot can happen to your soul during this time, when all the challenging elements are at play. With all that’s going on, death still happens. Traumas still carry on and we are face to face with all of it, every single day. There have been many days we represented the families that were not allowed in. 

I heard a phrase this morning on a podcast, “emotional obesity”. (Marc Maron with Helen Mirren) I had to stop what I was doing to hear it again, “emotional obesity”.  Based on my medical records, I understand “obesity”. Based on my counselor’s notes, I know “emotional” fairly well.  I’ve never considered them together in one phrase but that could be what I am dealing with. The moderator mentioned that “emotional obesity” is the result of stuffing the emotions down your throat, shoving them as far down as you can that you’re not able to release them in a healthy way.  I can imagine the emotions being pushed so far into the depths of the soul that they ooze into the darkened creases and crevasses. They get trapped, with nowhere to go. The tunnels in the crevasses clog like the arteries near your heart and what happens when the arteries get clogged? Well, imagine when the arteries of the soul get clogged with emotions.  Can you tell I work in a hospital? lol

This work is hard. You don’t want to know what a chaplain experiences day in and day out, especially during this crazy time of Covid. It’s the extra crispy flour and grease that come with an already saturated day-to-day calling. The sights and sounds don’t leave me when i walk out of the hospital. They don’t come off as easily as my clothes do, when standing in front of the washing machine to wash out any lingering residue. How I wish I could wash out the screams and pain.

Emotional obesity. That maybe why I am feeling as heavy as I am. The last few months, shoot, the last few years, have been brutal and without appropriate self-care techniques in place, like going to the gym after work, where do i exercise to release the emotions? Who am I kidding? I know better than that. The gyms are closed but I can still find ways around the block. I can’t blame the gyms. I can’t blame the “Rona”. My body hurts and it’s more than just weight gain and muscle tension.  Oddly enough, due to some minor health issues, i have lost some weight in the last few months. With that said, why do I feel so heavy now?

In a few days of decluttering, I have thrown out 10 garbage bags of “stuff” and 4 boxes of files. It has been incredibly therapeutic.  Who knew?

Maybe it’s time to declutter the emotions.